my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize