please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Randomize
