Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
