it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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