I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
