Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize