Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
