Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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