someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize