I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
