I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
