is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
