Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
