Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
