Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
