I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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