I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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