She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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