I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
