my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
