The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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