the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i believe in u and ur pee
Randomize
