I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
