i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
