I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
