I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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