So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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