You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
