We named our party play list daddy issues
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
