if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
there is glitter all over my balls
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