don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
