hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
