i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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