I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
