now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
