see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
