if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
You are the jesus of drinking
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
