I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
