Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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