he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
