No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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