How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
We are all done wearing pants today
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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