Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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