i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
