so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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