Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
