Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
someone owes me an orgasm
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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