I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
