Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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