I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
