some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
