I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
