just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
