You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
FUCK WHALES
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