Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
