We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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