were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
