i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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